I am 47. I do not need reminding that it is nearer 50 than 40. I will always be older than my wife. I do not have enough money nor the inclination to buy a sports car on reaching 50 in order that I can pretend I am 25 again. I didn’t want a sports car at 25. I have lots of children who are all growing up and realising that other than money (we have none remember) or lifts; I serve no discernible purpose. I am the fat man grumbling in the corner. My parents must be disappointed in how I turned out. My school friends seem to have done well for themselves. I did well for myself but that was Then.
Then is becoming a very long way off. Then I was younger and less troubled by life. I aspired to great things. We get reminded of the successes that others achieve. This is great but it can also bring into focus your lack of them. Then I was several stone lighter, less grey hair (in fact none). Then I was going to lead my three piece rock band to global fame and blind people with my musical virtuosity. Then I smoked blow like there was no tomorrow and made love outdoors lying on my great coat. I went to a party celebrating a dogs birthday, in a house on a hillside; with a teepee in the garden. I travelled 8 in a Cortina to country pubs and drank rough till some of us were sick. I would drive for hours with my good friend Steve around the Kent countryside listening to the Doors. We played ‘Polish Fire Drill’ on group excursions to the coast. That was Then however & nearly 30 years ago.
Since Then I moved North via the East. I fell in and out of love before staying in love. Lots of beautiful children entered the world coinciding with life becoming more complicated.
The blame for all of this complication I firmly place on my shoulders. I have been given several new starts since then for one reason or another. The problem is though that starting over seems less appealing than if it was back Then. Self pitying drivel I hear you mutter as this blog rambles on.
The moral of the tale is how many of us cling to Then because it seems better than having to deal with Now. The present is about getting through the day. Now does not allow you to think about the future or aspire to greater things. Living each day as it comes can be a really crap way of existence as it does not enable you to see a future. Back Then the future existed but Now it is too near. I should rejoice that I had wonderful times with no regrets. What I really want is to find my future.