50 Things Worse Than a Paper Cut.

They do say (who’s they?) that there is nothing worse than a paper cut. Admittedly for the size of injury, they are exceedingly painful. It did get me thinking though, surely there must be worse things in life to experience. Death of a loved one, divorce, maiming, genocide, these are all terrible things. Given though these are also very serious subjects and I am feeling not in the mood for profound. The following list is no order of worseness but just as they sprang into my head.

  1. Pink Metallic finish Honda Jazz.
  2. A Man Utd Replica Shirt
  3. Rupert Murdoch
  4. Cabbage
  5. Setting fire to your nose hairs.
  6. Pink Wafer Biscuits (not fucking biscuits)
  7. Stubbing your toe.
  8. A Jeanette Crankie Swimwear Calendar.
  9. Dinner with George Galloway.
  10. Breaking wind and realising that more than wind has been produced.
  11. Being a snorer.
  12. People who tell you to ‘Get Over It’. I don’t have to get over anything.
  13. Losing your sense of taste albeit temporarily.
  14. Supporting Leeds Utd (occasionally). All the disappointment and rarely the satisfaction.
  15. An Hour long episode of Emmerdale (thanks Andrew Fowler)
  16. The realisation that you are turning into your dad.
  17. Post Bus journey in the Swiss Alps. The most terrified I have ever been.
  18. Leeks in a White Sauce
  19. Finishing a great book.
  20. Having your leg bitten off by a ruminent. The process takes ages and at the end they don’t want it anyway.
  21. Jeremy Clarkson
  22. Drowning in a swimming pool full of talcum powder (and no water obviously).
  23. Losing work on your PC that has not been saved.
  24. Having your favourite hat eaten by a goat (true story – I was devastated)
  25. Finding half a caterpillar in your salad.
  26. Two paper cuts ( my son Sam suggested that)
  27. Having to learn about Protein Synthesis ( for my degree – still unsure what goes on)
  28. Getting old
  29. Dropping the ice cream off your cone onto the floor.
  30. Looking at myself in the mirror.
  31. Trapping your finger in a car door.
  32. Trapping one of your childrens fingers in a car door.
  33. Any tv show with the word celebrity in.
  34. Collecting sputum pots (little job as a student nurse in my previous life)
  35. Being born in Yorkshire. This might seem controversial as it is the beautiful, majestic county of my birth; being a Yorkshireman can also hang round the neck like heavy chains. They do say a Yorkshireman is a Scotsman stripped of his generosity. We say ‘bugger off’ invariably and scowl miserably.
  36. A fortnight in Blackpool (Another Andrew F contribution)
  37. A poster of a full frontal naked John McCririck
  38. Any book with the words ‘Struggle’ or ‘Journey’ inappropriately used for someone who is not travelling or tied up.
  39. Being Andy in the Attic.
  40. Snogging Ann Widdecombe
  41. Having to watch Dustin Hoffman have his teeth drilled by Laurence Olivier in ‘Marathon Man’.
  42. Listening to a whole Smiths album.
  43. Being forced to wear a cowboy hat coated on the inside with golden syrup.
  44. Poking a pencil under your nail.
  45. Having never heard any XTC
  46. Not having experienced true happiness
  47. Being stung up your shirt several times by many very angry wasps.
  48. Needing to use a strangers toilet for ‘urgent purposes’
  49. Falling out of love
  50. Writing top 50 lists.

This highly scientific list was compiled in a laboratory in West Yorkshire by a mad scientist (I do have a BSc). Every mad scientist has an Igor and mine is Andrew Fowler (photographer, walker, tweeter, Bear Grylls impersonator and lab assistant). I did leave Greek toilets, internet best man speeches and shopping in Bradford out for another day possibly. Please feel free to comment or disagree although these are real facts.

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