Being Comfortable With Yourself

You are young and self conscious. You think that everyone will notice what you look like. You are disappointed when others get noticed and not you. You think that no one will ever find you attractive. I am speaking naturally as a non alpha male, otherwise I may just assume everyone finds me irresistible.

Relationships come and in our case many children follow. Anno Domini begins to creep up on you. You start to look at how old everyone is in relation to you, checking on Wikipedia for musicians/actors ages. You look in the mirror less but occasionally take a glance to check how far you have deteriorated. Clothes begin to be smaller. Style (what little you had) makes way for comfort and practicality. 
Fuck me you have turned into your parents. The realisation that it will require effort and sacrifice to make your clothes larger again. The parallel thought also occurs. Who am I kidding? What does it matter how I look?
Those adolescent to early adult years spent preoccupied with being wanted are replaced with reality of early middle age of being ignored or taken for granted. I meet friends of the same age. These chaps are the finest of people. Funny, intelligent, charming and the same shape as me. We met recently and all remarked on the same inevitability that what chance would any of us have with anyone we actually found attractive(as a hypothetical exercise). We laughed it off turning to more important matters such as music or memories. I was left wondering though, am I comfortable with what I have become. My answer was no. 
I look at myself and feel disappointed. I am no Jeremy Irons or Nigel Havers. I never had grace or class. I am not rugged or chiselled. I am not wealthy or indeed comfortable financially. I don’t have money to act as a redeeming feature that would offset me going to seed. I have to face facts that I have let myself go. In fact I’ve gone so far that I don’t know how to get back. This makes me more uncomfortable than any amount of lugging me around. Maybe the answer lies in feeling happy. The cycle of self neglect is not one a happy person is generally immersed in. I am not unhappy just not happy.
I write and that makes me happy. It may depress the hell out of you lot but the catharsis does me good. I listen to music and that fills me with joy. Family exercises polar emotions. We love and laugh as well as shout and loathe at times.
The answer is not to allow yourself to be accepted for what you have become. I do not want to be thought of as an overweight dad of six children. When I stand at  my son’s football next dads of a similar age and wonder why they seem fitter and happier than me; I should not feel jealous or miserable (not that I do really -much ). I should tell myself that they have not accepted deterioration yet so why should I? 
The conclusion must be NO I AM VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.
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One thought on “Being Comfortable With Yourself

  1. Hello Mr Linney. :)'…The answer is not to allow yourself to be accepted for what you have become.' I'm not sure I like the sound of that… though I am happy if it works for you! May I share my thoughts? (try and stop me…no twitter thought-police…)To 'be accepted' for what I have become, by myself & others, is EXACTLY what I want! Nothing more nor less. Perhaps your definition of “you” is where I disagree.. I heard 'overweight' and 'deteriorated.' But Mr L those WORDS are NOT you!!! Those are more like labels from an effervescent-never-ceasing-well-of-YOUTH that out “society” has become… The world of size 0 women who are all 23… a world obsessed with the transient & physical. The very things that that matter least. For each of us are in-transient spirit. We fight with this world because we know it is not our true nature. We are what we think and what we believe… our world is enriched by others who have followed a different path & arrived at a different place. Some are nasty creatures oozing an elixer of greed and selfishness… we don't trust them and stay away. WE feel better about ourselves because we could be worse than we are… But transformation requires analysis. This can be hard. For to change we have to know… we must FACE our self….Face the REAL deep chimera that are part of who we are… the ugly part that we try & hide in the dark… the part that we know could do better and be fairer/stronger/wiser. Depression becomes for many of us a type of endless night… a way to be annoyed with the world when we harbor a sense of not being worthy to be treated better. We ALL are imperfect… we ALL could care more, do more, help more. And we know it. Be thankful that you are sensitive enough to KNOW it… I would rather be unhappy and authentic than happy and superficial. If your body will not behave, take control. It WILL become whatever you want it to. Start with a 10 day fast. ..or 20.. you will have so much clarity that you will eager to dream big again. Or just go for the dreamin'… the shell follows the vibe of the pearl within…So perhaps becoming the best person you can imagine is a place to start? That person is not necessarily rich or necessarily successful nor even loved. It is the person above reproach, the one who commands their life with no worry about what ordinary mortals think. The underdog in a Fairy Tale who proves his WORTH with purity of intent. The real meaning of it ALL will reveal piece by piece when you have a dead ego & peaceful spirit. When you find yourself. Who doesn't LOVE an underdog? :D'The loving's coming.. strumming on your heart strings, so loud that you can't help but listen…'

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