Shambles

I am a nightmare to live with. I pull myself into dark places. I don’t see the light where light exists. So Why?
Why do people such as me feel the world would be so much better if they weren’t around? That’s easy – it is depression. The thought process that personalises negative emotions and leads to self destruction, family unrest, isolation and for some suicide. The thought process goes for example, as follows – Your child argues with you. You both get angry. You then walk away and take the blame for it. You are the cause of the row. Actually this is where the irrational has already kicked in. You normal people out there accept that arguments happen. It is not about fault and more about letting off steam. Your work colleague is a reticent, kind person. They never give orders but offer you the choice and hold back from asking for your help. You interpret it as ‘he’s not interested in me or my contribution’. You consequently think that if you didn’t go into work, that ‘problem’ would be solved. This again is where the irrational has stepped in. So why does this irrational step exist at all?
There are many theories ranging from chemical imbalances or lack of the right sort of brain activity in the right area to insecurity from childhood or difficulty in sustaining successful relationships.
I have always felt that others are more successful than me and that I don’t have what it takes to be successful. The feeling that whatever you do, someone will be better than you has been with me since infants school. Insecurity and the need for reassurance are consequential states that rise out of these characteristics.
A confident, self assured person would never worry about what others thought of them or seek out positive reinforcement. I had a quiet stable childhood. I never thought about how happy everyone was. I thought others thought the same as I did but were better at hiding it (little insecurity joke there).
An insecure narcissist however worries constantly about every word that every person in every relationship utters. They interpret and personalise these trivial non events to reinforce their negative feelings about themselves. I am rubbish because they ignore me/don’t acknowledge my presence/show affection or attention. Yes we are the worst type of attention seeker. That irritating, moping ones, who just feel sorry for himself/herself.
So how do we seek resolution? Some of us write to exorcise the negative. Some compose music or paint. These are positive steps in dealing with negativism. These steps are very steep, spread far apart and slippery.  You often go up one and slip back down two.
I write prose, poetry, reviews and introspection. It helps me to empty my head of the shambles that sits in there. Shambles is a great phrase that my dad would often describe a mess or disorganised state. I have a constant shambles between my ears. Mine holds those self destructive, negative triggers in readiness for any given occasion. It also allows me to see the beauty in life and people. I see this in people all around me. I see their kindness and joy. I long to share that joy but the shambles close in and prevent me from sharing in this. I stumble and become pompous and boring. This pushes others away when all I want is the opposite.
 Do not think for one minute that hope, happiness or success is beyond me. It is outside that mess, that cocoon of complexity that makes reaching it just that little bit harder for me.
This has cleared a little space in the mental cupboard of self. I need you to understand where I come from. There is a chance that I will never be a successful writer (hard to imagine I hear you say); so its best that I tell you what makes me tick erratically. You may have to wait a few years for my published literary outpourings to enable the reader to analyse the author’s state of mind!

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