Have yourself an Aspirational Christmas

I’m guilty.

I’m guilty of woeful and utter hypocrisy. I like Roast Turkey, Christmas trees, carols, mince pies, socks for pressies. I think ‘Its a Wonderful Life’ is not only a beautiful life affirming Christmas film but also one of cinemas great classics. I’m a hypocrite and I’m getting this over before any of you accuse me of being one. Christmas can engender feelings similar to those seen in religious fundamentalism. You have to embrace it all otherwise you are a curmudgeon or far worse a ‘Scrooge’ bah humbug. Oh well here goes.

So some thoughts.

Never log in to Facebook in the run up to or over Christmas holidays. Everyone and I mean everyone is having a wonderful time. We are reminded by those having a wonderful time that some people might be lonely and not having a wonderful time this Christmas. We are reminded to think of pets at Christmas (because we are selfish animal hating gluttons who are too busy eating other species) . We get posts from lunatics who ask us if we dare share a Christian message in case it offends other faiths. Funny but they never ask us Atheists if it bothers us! We are reminded of the true meaning of Christmas. Then lets look at some more pictures of a Turkey/Grandad asleep with paper hat on/Auntie Joyce shitfaced on Prosecco/toy elves/massive gaudy trees.

Sorry I was having a moment then.

Never watch Jamie/Hugh/Rick/Si and Dave or Nigella (never watch her anyway) on the run up to Christmas. All of a sudden, the Turkey should really be a goose (paid for by small mortgage), Free range Ham (paid for by cashing in life insurance) and a whole salmon (wild not farmed and paid for by cashing in all your jewelry). We all should aspire to eat in a barn with our friends the butcher, the supermodel and the local lifeboat crew. Everyone will drink mulled wine till you could serve up a Bernard Matthews Turkey Roll and frozen mash because they’re all wrecked to notice the difference.

Never ever ever watch Kirsty Allsopp,not only because David Cameron probably has her as his screensaver; but because her homemade Christmas ideas are twee, pointless and cost more than buying ready made versions. Also don’t read glossy home magazines which show you how to dress the perfect dinner table, your 12 point guide to a perfect Christmas dinner or how to make the perfect homemade gifts. Then the 6 perfect recipes for leftovers which actually you can’t be arsed to make because you already have too much food.

Never ever ever ever spend all your money and then more on presents. If those presents require hours of thinking because the person has everything, think again. It is never worth bankruptcy.

I aspire to have a wonderful Christmas. I aspire to have the perfect meal with smiling, cheerful family gathered around also having a perfect time. I aspire to think of others whilst making mulled wine and eating more mince pies. I aspire to all the things I say not to. I guess many of us do too.

I have lived quite a while now. I remember Christmas in 5 decades. The people have changed, some have grown old. The season gets harder for some, the aspirations of many are linked to the fear of not delivering on those aspirations. If we don’t have all these things in place, is it a failure?

But worst of all; worst of all possible types, those annoying, smug folks who keep Christmas simple, cheap, classy and relaxed. I hate you all. You make the worrying, inadequate masses feel even worse.

I’m off to make a batch of mince pies, crack open the Baileys and buy enough wrapping paper to circumnavigate the Isle of Wight. Ding Dong!

The clip below is intended to make the majority feel we haven’t failed. My all time favourite Christmas TV programme.






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